Enrolling my first child in preschool as I turned forty didn’t daunt me.  Sure, most of the other moms were younger than me, but thanks to a Methuselah gene and an irreverent sense of humor, only my hairdresser knew.  Despite my “advanced maternal age” (do better, medical profession), I was able to keep up with my active son and with the twenty and thirty-something moms of his classmates.

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Fast forward ten years, to my six-year-old daughter announcing my fiftieth birthday to her kindergarten class.  And to her after-school art class.  And to anyone at the restaurant who would listen.  I might have been embarrassed, but I was too busy enjoying the gaping jaws of strangers and acquaintances.  Reflecting on the evening later, I realized that despite the bewildering and occasionally exhausting nature of midlife parenting, I’d inadvertently discovered my own fountain of youth.  While my contemporaries were becoming grandparents, I was aging in reverse.

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Whether you’re an older first-time mom, a veteran of many pregnancies, or you’re just considering becoming one of the tens of thousands of women who give birth in their forties each year, follow these “rules” and you’ll be the youngest mom in town.  (At least until your child spills the beans.)

 

• Get help.  We’re all aware of the importance of help in the postpartum period; there’s nothing more demoralizing than the realization that, once again, it’s dusk and you haven’t showered, changed out of sweats, or given even a passing thought to dinner.  While many women are tempted to cut back on help after the fog of infancy has lifted, the truth is that you may need more help to get you through the years that follow.  Your body will begin wreaking havoc at about the same time as your toddler, so any relief from the unrelenting demands of this period should be embraced.  Childcare is a particularly wise investment during these years; the rewards for both parties are enormous.

 

• Lower your expectations (and your standards).  Yes, you excelled in your professional sphere, or you were an Olympic athlete, or you’re a perfectionist and a speed reader and want to do everything according to parenting experts.  Trying to apply the same standards to a round-the-clock job with no immediately measurable objectives will get you a one-way express ticket on the crazy train.  Surviving eighteen years of parenting (at a minimum, given today’s trend toward boomerang children) requires pacing oneself.  Especially when menopause and AARP are breathing down your neck.  So what if the dust bunnies are dancing, your daughter ate a dog biscuit, and Martha Stewart wouldn’t let you wipe her boots?  Bottom line:  If it doesn’t affect the health, safety, or emotional well being of a family member, don’t spend time worrying about it.  Everyone (except maybe your psychotherapist) will benefit.

 

• Trust your instincts.  Simply by virtue of being on the planet for four decades, you’ve observed a great deal about human nature and personal interactions.  Let these be your guide in the predictable parenting dilemmas that will arise.  Resist the urge, common to many of us older moms, to approach child rearing as an intellectual exercise to rival law school.  Sure, learning about age-related milestones and behavior is helpful, but for every parenting “how to” you read, you’ll get different, often conflicting, advice.  Spend the time with your child instead, and then you’ll know just what will work when you receive the phone call saying that your daughter has bitten the principal’s son. 

 

• Nurture yourself.  The analogy of adults needing to put on their oxygen masks before they can help small children is particularly apt for the midlife mom.  At a time when our bodies are changing in ways that also affect our emotions, time for ourselves to rest and recharge should be non-negotiable.  While exercise and spiritual practice are important and ultimately nurturing activities, this time should be distinct from these and other “shoulds”.  (If you’re the least coordinated one in aerobics class or your kids have an unerring tendency to start screaming homicidal threats at each other the minute you begin your attempt to meditate, you know why.) Reading a good book, meeting a friend for coffee, getting a massage; anything that makes you feel great will do the trick.  Tip:  if somewhere in the back of your mommy mind you feel slightly guilty, like maybe you should be doing laundry or grocery shopping, you’re probably on the right track.

 

• Stay young in the ways that really matter.  Sure, it’s nice to have the body and the wardrobe of those cute moms that were babies as you were leaving high school, and it’s fun to keep up with pop culture.  But those are really extras.  As long as you’re physically fit enough to lift, carry, and run (which comes in handy for both a vomiting toddler and impromptu football games with a tween) you’ll be fine.  Remaining mentally sharp will be easier, as you’ll be exposed to elementary and secondary education all over again.  And the most important age reversing effect of mature motherhood is almost automatic:  retaining a child-like sense of wonder, fun and optimism comes easily when your days are spent with children.  (Exactly when this delightful youthfulness crosses over into immaturity is unclear, but you’ll know when your children beg you to please stop embarrassing them.)

 

You’ll inevitably have bad days (or weeks) when you feel twice your age, act less grown-up than your children, and wonder what on earth you were thinking.  That’s when it’s time to remember that, despite all of its challenges and potential indignities, late motherhood is a miracle of sorts.  And what’s more rejuvenating than a miracle?  Now if you’ll excuse me, a high-stakes game of Candy Land awaits.