Demons R Us

Having lived almost exclusively in my head from a very early age, until recently I was wholly unaware that everybody didn’t live the same way. I hosted a variety of characters, many unpleasant, all vying for my attention, who were talking to me all the time. My own personal Jerry Springer show. As I began to wake up and observe, I was able to recognize two distinct personae that seemed to rule the roost. Two inner demons who were my constant companions on this crazy expedition, who taught me so much about myself, and who I ultimately came to love and respect. Allow me to introduce Prudence and Crystal.

Prudence, as her name might suggest*, is uptight. Judgmental. Superior. Resentful. Her favorite hobby is doling out unsolicited criticism. She is the epitome of black-or-white thinking. When she’s not too busy scolding, she’s strategizing how to save my reputation because what others think is of paramount importance. She’s the one who browbeats me into doing the thing I really don’t want to because I should.

Crystal, also as her name might suggest*, is a party girl. Undisciplined. Wild. Prone to moodiness and self-destruction. She’s a lot of fun but fairly unreliable. She can be just as mean and hectoring as Prudence, but with a spicier, absurdist twist that makes me laugh. She’s the one who gleefully shouts DO IT when I honestly know better.

Prudence wants to be alone in a quiet room with a cup of tea and her crossword puzzle; Crystal wants tequila, wild sex and hard rock. Crystal wants to talk about what an asshole everyone else is; Prudence wants to talk about what an asshole Christine is. Prudence wants me to act my age; Crystal says fuck that.

For the longest time, I absolutely loathed Prudence and thought Crystal was pretty cool. She was more compassionate, for starters. And she was fearless. And fun. There was a time when I thought maybe I should just become Crystal and call it a day.

Before committing to such drastic action, though, I asked myself if there was anything to like about Prudence. And I had to admit, she had some significant pluses in her column. Prudence is the one who gets things done. She can be intellectually curious. And, despite (or maybe because of) her rigidity, she provides the adult supervision that has (mostly) kept me out of trouble.

Which is when it began to dawn on me what these two were all about. Prudence is the embodiment of the voices of my childhood; she’s my unwitting acceptance and perpetuation of the negative things I learned about myself long ago. She means well, but she’s scared. And Crystal is the embodiment of my rebellion (I talked about that here) against those voices. She’s the one that, on some level, never gave up.

As I healed and grew, I would occasionally engage in “conversation” when I noticed one or the other of them insistently harassing me (woo woo, I know, but also pretty fun). Eventually, I learned to radically accept both of them, with all of their flaws, as reflections of all of the parts of myself that I was learning to love without judgment. I realized that neither of them was going anywhere, and that that was okay.

Nowadays, the chatter has lessened considerably. When one of “the girls” does get loud, I’m often able to pause and observe. So, when Prudence starts shouting that I need to be more productive I can thank her for her input and calmly evaluate if that’s true. Or when Crystal insists that I choose the nuclear option to respond to someone who has disrespected me, I can laugh with her and then get clear on my objective for the interaction.

I used to think of these two weirdos as my inner demons, but they are so much more than that. They are my teachers. They can be wildly entertaining. They are, if sometimes fickle, my friends. They are me.

*No disrespect intended to those who have these perfectly fine names; they are just the ones my disordered psyche offered up.

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Thanks for reading. Any inner personae you’d like to share?