[Family estrangement and survival of narcissistic abuse are two topics that I remain ambivalent about sharing my thoughts on in this space. (Not surprisingly, they are often, though not always, linked). One the one hand, these subjects leave very little room for the humor and uplift I favor, and I sometimes feel like by speaking about them I’m perpetrating psychic violence on the uninitiated. On the other hand, there is so much misunderstanding and incomprehension—But they’re your family; you only have one family! He seemed like such a nice guy—if it was so bad why did you stay?—that I feel compelled to provide education. And always, I feel driven to provide any scraps of encouragement for those in similar situations.
Over the years I’ve killed too many trees trying to process the creeping realization that my family is no longer there for me (and, in some ways, never was). Following is my most recent effort.]
My mid-century Italian American upbringing made the term “family estrangement” seem like a ridiculous oxymoron. Family was sacred. A tribal gathering where you would always belong. A place you could always go when you needed reassurance or help. Maybe you could talk behind members’ backs, or give them the silent treatment, but at the end of the day, you stuck together.
I still struggle with the chicken-egg conundrum of it all. Did my family’s increasingly unsubtle ostracism of me come first, or was it my increasing withdrawal in an effort at self-preservation? After several years of hoping I was mistaken, of imagining that milestone events would provide an opportunity for at least civil coexistence if not reconciliation, I was recently bluntly disabused of those notions. I had to accept that the estrangement was now complete and out of my control.
I used to agonize over what I could do to change things. Being a recovering people pleaser, for years I assumed I was to blame, and that all of the effort should come from me. That I just needed to work harder to find a solution. As things deteriorated, I admonished myself with every version of “but they’re your family”.
I used to think that estrangement was the result of an outrageous incident; an instant that one could pinpoint as the moment the train went off the tracks. I now know that it’s more of a process; a sad, ego-driven parade of judgement, withdrawal, and misunderstanding. How does one end up there?
-Be born into a family system that requires you to fight your siblings for any scrap of positive attention.
-Be “other”. The only girl, or only boy. The gay or trans child. The only one that likes to read. The list is endless.
-Don’t hide your dismay at harsh treatment or your sensitivity in general.
-Reveal your knowledge of the family’s hidden truths with either words or body language.
-Rebel as much as you dare.
-At the first opportunity, geographically distance yourself from the family. Be the only one to do so as it is in direct violation of unwritten rules.
-Flourish in your independence but continue to seek approval from family members.
-Begin to believe that you deserve to live a life of your own, in any manner that you see fit.
-Marry someone who refuses to play their assigned role in the family drama.
-Have a child who is not in synch with the family dynamic. Stand up for and protect that child.
-Experience adversity that is unfathomable to the rest of the family and that prevents you from fulfilling some of the roles you’ve been assigned.
-Get sucked back in to the family dramas of your childhood. Unconsciously continue to compete with your siblings for prizes that aren’t forthcoming.
-Perpetuate the family norm of mishandling conflict: discuss a problem with everyone except the person involved, then pretend everything’s fine and let the passive aggression and resentment build.
-Make the choices that best suit you and your child and live a life that your family finds incomprehensible and/or vocally disapproves of.
-Work toward self-awareness, whether via therapy or another approach.
-Become aware of your family’s particular dysfunction, and of the patterns you’ve established in trying to adapt.
-Make a heretofore unprecedented effort to handle conflict with honest communication.
-Get pissed off when you learn that people would prefer not to talk to you at all rather than have a difficult conversation. Get a little savage.
-Set boundaries.
-Enforce these boundaries regardless of pushback.
-Increase your “otherness” by landing on the “wrong” side of current events and issues.
-Stop explaining or apologizing for living your own life.
-Stop chasing disappearing family members.
-Realize that the only interaction you now have is that of “checking boxes”; of contacts devoid of any feeling made out of obligation. Stop initiating those box checks.
-Experience that even a crisis or major life event does not change your outsider status; that interest or even cooperation will not be forthcoming.
When you get to that last step, you can be fairly certain that the estrangement is complete and permanent. There may be an occasional cordial interaction to dispatch business. Or there may periodically be an angry shot across your bow. Mostly there will be radio silence.
So, what do you do next?
If you’re a recovering “bright sider” like me, you’ll be tempted to list all the ways in which the estrangement liberates you. And those will be valid, and something for which to be thankful. But you have to grieve. You have to feel the loss without letting it define you, until you learn, over time, to live with it. You learn to look at your family members with compassion and to work toward forgiveness. Then you can look at the bright side. You can be grateful that you no longer need to work at the impossible task of making yourself acceptable to people whose values you don’t share. You can embrace your “otherness” and save your energy for the people in your life who love you exactly as you are. You can enjoy your peace and the fabulous life you’ve built against all odds.
***
Thanks for reading. I know this is a hard subject that is unfathomable to many people. As always, I welcome your questions or comments.
***
And speaking of the bright side:
This weeks helpers:
Love after Love by Derek Walcott (thank you to reader Oreo Kid for submitting)
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
This resonates with me given my life experiences. Same journey for the most part, and hoping to follow you in reaching the bright side. Love your choice of Dingus of the week!
all I an say is keep on keeping on! xox