Great Expectations

What happens when your incurable optimism results in profound disappointment? When your Herculean efforts to remain patient and positive prove no match for harsh reality? When you keep planning and God keeps laughing?

While I seem to be healing from the procedure itself, the kyphoplasty I’d placed all my hopes on did not have the stunning results I’d imagined. Pain is still rendering me unable to function, and none of the things I imagined I’d be able to resume are possible. It’s a bitter pill.

Right now, my reaction is somewhere between the old me and the new(er) one. I’m not venomously angry and railing “why me?”, but there’s a part of me that is incredibly annoyed that my life has come to a standstill through the negligence of others. There’s a part of me that is dying to seize control over something uncontrollable, and a part of me that is so goddamn tired of being strong and brave and looking on the bright side. And then there’s the part of me that is stubbornly committed to growth; that will continue to work at figuring out a life worth living even in the face of continued limitations.

Because that is a more difficult endeavor than I’d realized, I’ve decided I need a complete reset. I will be taking a short break from everything, including these weekly posts. I’m going to focus on a way to move forward and regain some joy with or without physical healing. I need to temporarily drop all the plans and live in this moment.

Thanks to all of you who read and engage, and to all of you who have checked in on me. Having these “discussions” with you and receiving your caring concern have been the greatest joy and privilege, and I look forward to resuming our connection. As Arnold would say, “I’ll be back”.