More on Self-Forgiveness

[Those who know me well will not be surprised to hear that my mind immediately went to “moron self-forgiveness”, which made me laugh out loud. Proof I am no longer taking myself so seriously despite my resolve to stop being mean to myself? Because who doesn’t love a play on words that captures the absurdity of the human condition? And shouldn’t we all be able to lovingly laugh at ourselves?]

A while back I wrote about my evolving understanding of forgiveness, something I continue to ponder. I mentioned a post in which my favorite Substack author, Heather Havrilesky (aka Ask Polly) suggested that daily self-forgiveness acts as an antidote to shame and, as such, is a vital ingredient of a peaceful existence. I’ve wanted to delve further into this subject since. As you might imagine, my recent stint on the couch provided plenty of opportunities for self-inquiry.

What kinds of things could I forgive myself for? Daily? Because despite having come a long way, I still sometimes unconsciously act from my old conditioning, there’s a plethora of things to choose from.

Here’s a very partial list:

Being impatient, with myself and others.

Wanting so badly to be loved.

Making the same mistake more than once.

Abandoning myself to avoid disappointing others.

Feeling superior to others.

Feeling inferior to others.

Misplacing my trust.

Refusing to trust.

Drowning out my wiser inner voice.

Trampling boundaries (my own or others’).

Driving myself relentlessly.

Collapsing into paralysis.

Hiding my true self.

Being hypercritical of myself.

Projecting my feelings onto others.

Nurturing resentments.

Giving in to fear.

Struggling with a fixed mindset.

Blaming others for my bad feelings or mistakes.

Telling myself stories to avoid dealing with my feelings.

Waiting for someone or something to rescue me.

Believing, deep down, that I’m at the root of any interpersonal problems. That I’m the one who is guilty, to blame, unreasonable.

Do I need to forgive myself for each of these every day? No. At least not anymore. I do, however, need to keep these tendencies in mind so that I can notice when they’re emerging. Then maybe I’ll have more success at working towards gentle correction by forgiving myself.

While I had moved on from my initial belief that self-forgiveness was a “one and done” event for the big stuff, I had only gotten as far as occasionally throwing myself the bone of a blanket statement like: “I love you and I forgive you for being so fucked up. You’re doing lots better.” But I believe Polly’s on to something, and I’d like to try to incorporate self-forgiveness into my daily routine.

I’m thinking that the end of the day would be a good time to attempt this. These days, at lights out I mentally list all the things I’m grateful for (including at least one thing I’m grateful to myself for doing—could be as simple as making the phone call or doing the workout I didn’t want to), and I review my plans and hopes for the next day. I’m thinking that in between those two I could review the day and examine why problems or annoyances arose and the role my thoughts and feelings may have played. That I could forgive myself for my less-than-perfect (even, occasionally, horrendous) motivations and behaviors and possibly preclude a build-up of shame.

Shame is so deeply rooted, so unconscious, that it’s hard to eradicate. It tells you you’re bad (versus guilt, which tells you that what you did is bad). I’m beginning to understand that when I’m feeling shame, my heart slams shut, and that is at the root of just about any difficulty. So, I’m willing to try this little experiment of forgiving myself daily for my failures and imperfections in hopes of lightening this load.

Stay tuned.

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