Pivoting

What happens when instead of hitting the ground running, as planned, you just hit the ground? If you’re me, you grumble a bit and then you pivot. (I should say if you’re the new me, because until recently I would have grumbled a lot and then said fuck it.)

The plan was to extend my time off through January 2nd in order to accommodate the homecoming of the CWP while building the momentum to tackle all of the tasks I’d let slide for several weeks. Instead we met each other in the kitchen at 5:30 A.M. on January 3rd in the initial stages of being clearly unwell. Over the course of a day sprinkled with indignities but mostly spent sleeping through fever dreams, it became clear that the CWP’s compromised immune system was once again getting a worrisome ass kicking, whereas I was confident I’d be back to “normal” in a few days. Confident but, if I’m honest, more than a little pissed off at being sidelined from my big plans. And worried about the latest in a series of setbacks for my daughter.

Since my life started changing nine years ago, I’ve been pleasantly surprised to discover I’m the queen of the pivot where big issues are concerned. When my marriage imploded, it quickly became obvious that I couldn’t count on the standard uncoupling playbook: I would need to relocate and support myself and the CWP. When legal and financial obstacles initially precluded buying a house in our new location, I opted for a temporary solution that was fabulous for our convenience and introduction to the community. And nothing developed my flexibility more than parenting a child disabled by chronic illness and shepherding them toward an independent young adulthood. The out-of-the-box alternatives we explored for some of the medical, educational, and social problems that accompanied our new reality are some of my most creative work.

I realized this week, while languishing in bed and fighting the urge to catastrophize my delay in getting back on track, that I don’t need to save this skill for emergencies; that I can pivot in my daily life. Maybe I can’t write a coherent sentence but I can brainstorm (far more creatively under the influence of a fever, by the way). Maybe I can’t declutter my closet but I can watch that show or listen to that podcast that’s been on my list. You get the idea. The ability to pivot, it now occurs to me, is a great skill to employ on a micro-level. Unable to do your exercise first thing in the morning because your knee won’t bend? Maybe you can write first while icing it. Morning meditation impossible because your dog is barking to go out? Reschedule for after lunch. Instead of becoming upset when I can’t rigidly adhere to “the plan”, I want to start asking myself what if?

And then, boom, it hit me. My new mantra of “open up” is going to be a handmaiden to my ability to pivot. (Don’t you love when it’s all connected?) When I open up my mind I can entertain countless alternatives to my original plan. When I open up my heart I can be gentler with myself when things don’t unfold as I’d hoped. I can remind myself that one stumble does not mean I’m going over the cliff into the abyss. Strengthening my ability to open up is going to allow me to retain the title of Pivot Queen.

Even before I rose from my sickbed, I started contemplating ideas for opening up. Here are a few that I came up with that I’ve decided to try:

-Taking a minimum of fifteen minutes a day to dive into one of my gorgeous reference books and following interesting leads.

-Setting aside one afternoon a week as “torture time”. The time where I’ll bite the bullet and make those phone calls, fill out those forms, do that thing I just don’t want to do. I’m hoping that knowing that these things will be taken care of in due time will allow me to declutter my mind. (I’m also seriously considering establishing “reward time” to directly follow torture time. Ice cream or wine come to mind.)

-Making one morning a week my time to explore and recharge. Insuring I actually get to the museum, gallery, coffee shop, or whatever venue I’ve had on my list for ages.

-Loosening up the reins on my writing. Taking a break from word counts and hours logged. Recognizing that some days I’ll be more productive than others but that all I need to do is keep showing up. And recognizing that all of the time I spend percolating ideas, researching, and learning about the craft of writing is also work time.

And here are a few ideas I picked up scrolling Instagram (once my eyes uncrossed) that I’m planning to give a try (they supposedly reset neural pathways):

-Brushing my teeth left-handed.

-Raising my arms above my head and saying YES upon waking.

-Taking 25 deep exaggerated breaths morning, noon, and night.

I’m once again up and at ‘em and optimistic. Opening up. Ready to pivot if need be. Stay tuned.

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Let’s talk! Have you had to make a major pivot? Lots of minor ones? What helps you stay flexible?