Revisiting Dialectics

[It’s Wednesday morning and I’m reeling. Vacillating between disbelief and rage. Physically unwell. For about a nanosecond, I thought “keep it to yourself; people don’t come here to read your political views”. And then I remembered that keeping things to myself in hopes that I would be more palatable to more people has been my single most detrimental habit over the years. The personal is political. And if I lose support because of my passion for justice, civility, and reason, then I never truly had that support.

It's way too early for me to make any sense of this, or to know what to do going forward. I know that as a woman, as a mother of a disabled gay person, as a former military member, and as an American, I’m heartbroken. I also know that, despite feeling hopeless in this moment, I will attempt to stave off bitterness by working to uplift my corner of the world.

Despite feeling unable to write a complete, coherent piece, I felt the need to say something.  So, I decided, for now, to look at the situation through the lens of the post I had already planned for today. Here is that post]:

I’ve mentioned before that I’m a huge fan of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), which I credit with helping both me and the CWP immensely after previous forays into talk therapy and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) had left us either unenlightened, further traumatized, or both. In classes, we learned about key concepts like mindfulness, emotional regulation, and acceptance. In group and individual therapy, we became aware of our problematic patterns and worked at changing them by using some of the tools derived from these concepts. An overarching theme was “creating a life worth living”, regardless of your past or of less-than-ideal present circumstances.

Having arrived at DBT as an almost-sixty-year-old with an Olympic medal in black-and-white thinking, it took me quite a while to even approach an understanding of what I think is perhaps one of the most useful things I learned: that two opposing things can be true at the same time (dialectics in a nutshell). When we don’t accept this, or aren’t even aware of it, emotional distress is guaranteed. With time and a lot of practice, I began to grasp this idea. The key that finally unlocked it for me was the use of the word and instead of the word but between the two opposing statements. Try it.

I love my dog but sometimes he infuriates me.

I love my dog and sometimes he infuriates me.

It’s subtle: but sets the second statement up to be a negative. Like maybe I shouldn’t love my dog. On the other hand, and gives each statement equal weight.

Over time, I became more skilled at seeing the contradictory truths of my life and using and when noticing them. I had (of course) a whole list:

I love myself and I want to change certain behaviors.

I’m grateful for my life and I want more.

I’m inspired by my daughter’s courage and my heart breaks at her struggles.

Parting ways with my lover was the right decision for me and his absence left a gaping hole.

My life is so peaceful without my extended family and it hurts being shunned.

Leaving a toxic marriage was liberating and it felt like a profound failure.

I like helping people and I’ve learned the importance of taking care of myself first.

I’m hopeful about the future and I’m sometimes terrified.

So, there I was, feeling all evolved because I now “got” that two very different things could be true at the same time. AND as I mentioned in an earlier post, despite the fact that and theoretically gave my opposing statements equal weight, in cases where the and side of the equation involved some emotional difficulty, I was still assigning value judgments. I was still feeling that but. In those cases, I acted as if the ands were something to be avoided; to be disregarded as I leapfrogged directly to the bright side.

 So instead of sitting with my sadness about the limitations engendered by my daughter’s chronic illness, I constantly declared my admiration and respect for her. Instead of properly grieving the loss of contact with someone I loved, I gave myself pep talks in which I reminded myself that I’d done the right thing for my personal growth. Instead of feeling shattered by the fact that there is no longer a place for me in my family of origin, I tell myself how lucky I am to be free of their toxicity and drama.

But guess what? You can only sublimate the things you’re trying to escape for so long, until one day they sneak up on you like a tsunami and flatten you. Also, I’m learning that if you don’t feel the sadness, you can’t fully feel the joy. The and side of the equation isn’t going anywhere, so I’ve got to finally acknowledge that there’s an alternative to the black-or-white options of total avoidance or wallowing. As I claw my way towards self-awareness, I’m learning that sadness isn’t going to kill me; that I can sit with it for a little while without becoming permanently immobilized by it. I’m learning that the bright side will be there waiting; that I don’t have to rush.

These days my life is joyful and sometimes I grieve my losses.

 ***

And here are today’s opposing truths:

I’m an optimist at heart and I feel flattened by despair.

I want to have compassion for others and I’m disgusted that anyone could cast a vote that promises to disenfranchise so many people.

It seems the rascally Universe has once again sent me a test, to see if I really did get it. If I really am able to walk my talk. And I must say, I think I’m gonna pass this one. Because I’ll be sitting with the and side of these statements for just as long as I need to. I don’t foresee hurtling to the bright side any time soon. The jury is still out on whether that’s due to growth or sheer overwhelm. Either way, I’ll be working on accepting the dialectic.

***

Thanks for reading. Know that I am holding you in my heart.