Surrender (Or, Pivoting When You Can't Move)

It’s so easy to be positive when the metaphorical sun is shining. Or at least peeking out on the horizon. Or even when the brutal storm is finally just a memory. Right now, I’m struggling mightily against a tendency to bitch about the rain. I’d love to embody some of the insight I’ve gained over the last ten years, and I’m finding it a challenge.

A few days ago, I learned that the outcome of last week’s dog walking adventure is that my spine is fractured. Which would explain the insane pain and my inability to do anything but simulate home plate. I’m still in the process of consulting specialists to determine next steps. Not gonna lie, hearing the word “months” in discussing recovery was a blow. My inner whiner was clamoring: the last two months were already a shit show; this was supposed to be my comeback!

It's one thing to surrender for a week; to just drop everything, thinking that you can resume business as usual in short order. How do you surrender when, just as you’re embarking on your renewal, your life comes to a grinding halt?

On the bright side (in addition to my personal angel of mercy), is the fact that I am finally adequately medicated. Through the fog of the painkillers, I remember the concept of radical acceptance. Of not wishing things were different but accepting and responding to the situation at hand. How do I stay on a positive trajectory when my life has literally come to a standstill? Those of you who know me won’t be surprised that I start listing.

Things to Remember

How to ward off depression (all but “move” can be applied)

That my worth is not based on my accomplishments

That I haven’t been imagining or exaggerating the pain

That patience can be learned

Gratitude

Things I’m Grateful For

My angel of mercy

My daughter

My friends

My overall good health

My material comfort

Drugs

Things I Need to Work on Accepting

Temporarily slowing down

The need to ask for and accept help (incredibly difficult for me)

My failure to remain calm and wise

My lack of control of the situation

Things I Can Control

My thoughts and reactions

My efforts to heal

My routines

This just sent me down the rabbit hole of lamenting that, after years of incremental improvements, the healthy routines I’d established (mat work, meditation, and journaling before coffee, followed by walking and/or swimming, breakfast, and then the remainder of the morning at my desk writing) were shot to hell overnight.

Parts of My Routine I Can Salvage or Modify

Mat work can be replaced by prescribed exercises

Meditation can be done prone until sitting is possible

Journaling may need to be done online until sitting is possible

Walking or swimming can be scaled way back

Writing time may need to be broken up into smaller sessions

As reality sets in, it’s clear that multiple recalibrations will be necessary. That the ability to pivot will be key. While my body may not be up to it just yet, my mind will have to take the lead. And being a little gentler with myself won’t hurt.

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Thanks for reading! Any tips to share for overcoming a setback?