Ten-Year Review

I woke up on a recent Sunday morning in a local hotel, where I’d decamped to give the CWP and her visiting friends the run of the house (and responsibility for the dog). The previous afternoon and evening had been an extravaganza of self-care: blessed solitude, lots of reading and writing, good food, a glass of wine, uninterrupted sleep. I made myself a cup of coffee and sat at the little table, looking out towards the ocean and breathing in gratitude before I began my morning brain dump. When I finally began, as I always do, by writing the date, I realized with a start that it had been exactly ten years since what I now refer to as the day I woke up. (Those of you who are new can read about that here.)

The date seems forever seared into my memory (and my nervous system), and each year I reflect on the distance I’ve traveled. This year I was particularly impressed with how far I’ve come; with how completely my life has veered from the path I blindly set out on in my relative youth. This tenth year, although not without its difficulties, has marked the advent of genuine happiness and peace alongside the struggles.

While reflecting, I always eventually get around to my seeming inability to predict the cascade of negative events that followed my decision that day. I’m far kinder to myself now, but I used to beat myself up for what I was sure was my inability, likely caused by some form of brain damage, to imagine undesirable consequences. The depths to which people were capable of descending never once crossed my mind. Didn’t everybody have my heart?

This feeling of being blindsided by events that others seemed unsurprised by roared back with a vengeance after last week’s news. And I was momentarily ready to chastise myself once again. Was there something fundamentally wrong with me that prevented me from imagining that the majority of people in this country would elevate their own narrow interests above the common good? That so many people were able to find an issue that they believed outweighed criminality and cruelty? But then I went on a walk (where most of my self-castigating thoughts are fortunately transformed). As I relished the cooler air and let the sun revive a little hope, I was struck once again by dialectics: it’s true that over the past ten years I didn’t foresee most of the difficulties I encountered, and it’s also true that, in my wildest dreams, I never imagined most of the blessings with which I’ve been showered.

So, I never imagined the viciousness with which my ex-husband would punish me legally and financially. I never could have predicted that when he was no longer able to hurt me directly, he would hurt me by hurting our children, abandoning our daughter and intentionally alienating our son from both me and my daughter. I never envisioned the difficulty of starting over in a new place without the anchors of school or work, or the isolation of caring alone for a newly disabled teenager. I hadn’t an inkling of how difficult it would be to grow up once I’d fully woken up. Or of how heartbreaking and lonely it would be to keep losing people as I grew and changed.

And

I was amazed and overwhelmed by the unwavering support I received from a handful of people, most of whom I hadn’t necessarily been close to, but who stepped up and held out a lifeline (they now comprise my inner circle). I never imagined building such an incredible relationship with my daughter. I never foresaw being loved unreservedly and without expectation. I never dreamed of the vibrant, joyful life I’ve been able to rebuild. I never predicted that one day I would actually love myself.

I joke about brain damage, but my imagination did take a severe hit in my childhood as I clung to survival mode. As an almost-grownup, and especially as a writer, I’m resolved to keep working to enhance that imagination. Who knows, maybe someday I’ll even be able to predict the future. Regardless, I’m going to give myself high marks for this ten-year review. And going forward, I’m going to remember to acknowledge those opposing truths, and to be grateful for them.

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Thanks for reading. How does your ten-year review look?