The Devil's Dictionary

This is the first in a series of explorations of the fascinating world of narcissistic abuse by a partner. Before we begin, I want to clarify a few things. First, let’s be clear on terms. The word narcissist is bandied about these days somewhat carelessly. We are not talking here about someone who is self-absorbed, or vain, or overly confident. When I refer to a narcissist, I’ll be referring to a person with narcissistic personality disorder, which is an entirely different (hellish) animal. Let’s also define abuse: let’s call it any control of, or attempt to control, another person through verbal, emotional, or physical means. In my experience, all narcissists are abusers (although they vary in types and degree of abuse) but not all abusers are narcissists. Studies have shown it’s slightly more prevalent in men, but clinical narcissism is an equal opportunity affliction. So my posts on the subject will diligently aim to reflect that reality.

Why talk about it at all? Isn’t this a shameful personal problem affecting very few unfortunate people? Nope. It’s more prevalent than you’d imagine. And here’s the main reason why: the narcissist is such a master at subtle mind control that their victim is almost always unaware of what’s happening until it’s way too late. So I’m sharing in hopes of proactively preventing entrapment by a narcissist as well as of helping those who find themselves already suffering.

Instead of enumerating the characteristics of a narcissist (information that is now readily available from a variety of sources), because so many partners feel bad but don’t know why, I’m going to start with what I call “The Devil’s Dictionary” (with a grateful nod to Ambrose Bierce), an alphabetized list of feelings that the partner of a narcissist may experience.

Alienation. You don’t quite belong. Anywhere. Not with your partner, but no longer with your friends either. You’re carrying so many secrets (because you don’t want people to know the reality of your relationship) that no one can really know you.

Bitterness. You see everything through a negative lens. Life is not turning out the way you planned. You weren’t always like this, but both contagion from your partner and growing resentment have changed you.

Confusion. About everything: yourself, your relationship, reality. You may wonder why you are so unhappy when on paper you have it all. Or what happened to the person each of you used to be.

Depression. You feel numb, or you’ve lost interest in activities you previously enjoyed, or you slog through your days with absolutely no vision of the future. You’re in hell’s waiting room.

Escapism. Obsessive and/or addictive behaviors may become a problem as you spend an inordinate amount of time numbing or distracting yourself.

Fight/Flight/Freeze/Fawn. You are hypervigilant, walking on eggshells, and your response system is in overdrive as there is a subtle, yet constant, threat.

Guilt. Maybe you really are [fill in the blank with the shortcomings your partner has attributed to you]. Maybe you’ve done something wrong to deserve poor treatment.

Heartbreak. Deep down, you have to admit that you are devastated that the fairy tale beginning has morphed into a nightmare. And that your hope for a return to those halcyon days is diminishing.

Insecurity. You might feel unlovable, unattractive, incompetent, or intellectually inferior. You may also feel physically or emotionally unsafe.

Jitters/Jumpiness. See “Fight/Flight/Freeze/Fawn”.

Killer headaches (or backaches). Or other intractable maladies for which there is no logical physical explanation.

Loneliness. You’re almost never alone, but you are almost always achingly lonely.

Melancholy. Your smiles never really reach your eyes, your laughs are never from your belly, and even the “happy” times are tinged with sadness.

Negativity. This may reflect your partner’s negativity. Or it may be a general sense of hopelessness and pessimism. Or both.

Outrage. This often doesn’t arrive until the later stages. Outrage at the way you’ve been treated, at the realization that you’ve been sold a bill of goods, at the fact that it’s too dangerous to express your displeasure.

People Pleasing. You want everybody to be happy. And it’s just so much easier to push down your feelings and desires and do what everyone else wants.

Quiet. You don’t speak up about things that matter. Eventually you don’t speak much at all either from an understanding that you won’t be heard, a fear that you’ll be misunderstood, or both.

Resentment. You’re not even sure why, but it’s simmering just below the surface. You’re literally choking on all you’ve swallowed.

Shame. Deep down, you’ve absorbed others’ negative perceptions and judgments of you. You do not like who you are. At all.

Tiredness. You’re often physically exhausted despite adequate amounts of sleep. Or mentally exhausted. Or both.

Unconsciousness. You are living in a dream world. You don’t question anything. You just keep putting one foot in front of the other, hoping for better days while doing the same old thing.

Vacuity. In the sense of being emptied or lacking content. You’ve tried so hard to adapt to the ever changing goal posts that you have no idea of who you are anymore.

Watchfulness. You’ve become an expert at reading people and situations and adapting your behavior to protect yourself.

Yearning. It’s mostly tamped down, because it’s too painful to acknowledge, but you long for something different. Maybe a return to better times, maybe understanding, or kindness. It’s painful because the situation seems hopeless.

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Let’s talk. Those of you with experience, do you have any additions? Those of you fortunate enough to have no experience in this area, do you have any questions? Are there other aspects of this topic you’d like me to cover in later posts?