What's Your Story?

As I was falling in love with the process of writing, I dropped down a bit of a rabbit hole pondering the concepts of story and narrative. How are they defined? Do they mean the same thing? I recently unearthed notes I’d scribbled from a dictionary (which, as usual, I had failed to properly cite) that defined story as “a narrative” or, secondarily, “a fictitious tale”. In the same uncited dictionary, I’d also looked up narrative, which was defined as “a story intended to support a particular viewpoint or thesis”. 

The presentation of a story or narrative also fascinated me; the diversity with which one could choose to relate the same series of events or similar ideas seemed almost endless. It was an engaging intellectual exercise, I thought. I’ve since discovered that it’s so much more than that. Because the way we view and present our story, whether we’re writing it or not, has implications for every aspect of our lives. And changing the narrative (or internalizing that a story is sometimes no more than a fictitious tale), can change our lives.

For so much of my life, I was an unreliable narrator. I never intentionally set out to omit or misinterpret facts, nor did I consciously create accounts that could be considered unfairly slanted. For as long as I suffered from a stunning lack of self-awareness, most of my narratives centered around negative themes of victimhood or martyrdom (or both). That was problematic in and of itself, but I took it a step further by letting these narratives define me. Narratives like:

I was just a housewife.

I was weak and naïve enough to stay with an abusive narcissist for 25 years.

I needed to forfeit my personal life or any bit of joy as long as my daughter was suffering.

I was destined to attract only narcissistic men and was giving up.

I was the black sheep, the outcast, the willfully misunderstood one and it was so unfair.

Because those were my narratives I was, without examination and by default, defining myself as less than, hapless, helpless, untrustworthy, and unlovable. No wonder I was having so much trouble writing my book. Who wants to read those kinds of stories? (For that matter, who wants to write them?) Eventually it dawned on me how boring and unrewarding victimhood (the overarching theme of my narratives) can be.

I’m not an advocate of denying reality or rewriting history. But much like I suggested here, it’s often a matter of presentation. Of looking at events and their outcome from a slightly different angle. Of flipping the narrative.

So those old narratives become:

While raising my children and running a household, I freelanced, ran a small business, wrote and volunteered often.

I was brave and resolute enough to start my life over when I realized that my marriage was unsalvageable.

Shepherding my teen through her chronic illness brought us closer together and taught me that one of the greatest gifts I could give her was seeing me happy and mentally healthy.

Thanks to learning and growing, I was able to quickly identify the next narcissist and immediately end the relationship.

I decided to stop abandoning myself and protect my peace where my extended family was concerned.

The events of my past may be important historical context, but they do not define me. Going forward, my narratives will be accurate with a positive twist, and they’ll be based in my present reality. And they’ll support my interdependent theses: that I’m committed to learning and growing for the rest of my time on this planet; that it’s never too late to make a change; and that I’m a strong, confident person who has always been lovable.

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Thanks for reading. Do you have an old narrative that you’ve rewritten?

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Some good things:

-Pilates! I’d somehow never tried it before, and recently started going twice a week to a studio near me. It’s doing wonders for my body in general (especially my poor back) and my mood.

-Girls’ movie night. The CWP recently started hosting at her cool crib with her gigantic tv. Dinner, wine, and like-minded women for viewing of upbeat, female-centric movies (so far Wicked and Lady Bird; next up, Anora).

-More links

How to survive the abuser-in-chief

What you can do to fight the Trump agenda - by Dan Froomkin